Chapter Thirty-Two: When Feelings Run Deep

Time passed swiftly, and today was the day Qin Ruyan would enter the palace.

Prime Minister Feng had been urging Feng Qiuji to return to the palace quickly, but she truly did not wish to go back. Today, she would not be the center of attention; returning would only add to her sorrow.

“Miss, please wear a little more today. It’s cold outside, it seems the weather is about to change.” Early in the morning, Xiao Hui brought her winter clothes.

She glanced up at the dull, overcast sky outside the window—it did indeed look like the weather was about to shift.

Feng Qiuji turned over and pulled the quilt over her head, her voice muffled as she said, “Xiao Hui, I don’t want to get up today. Don’t call me for meals either. Just leave and don’t let anyone disturb my sleep.”

Whenever she felt low, she would sleep; only in slumber could she forget everything about reality and cease her endless wandering thoughts.

“Miss…” Hearing her say so, Xiao Hui grew anxious. She had a vague idea why Feng Qiuji’s mood was poor today, but no matter how sad she was, starving herself was not the way—wasn’t that just punishing herself?

“Go on.”

Hearing Feng Qiuji’s dispirited instruction, Xiao Hui worried but could only obey. Perhaps leaving her alone would do her good, so she quietly exited and closed the door.

The room fell into silence. Feng Qiuji used the quilt to block out the daylight, blinking as she stared into the darkness beneath the covers. She tossed and turned, but found she could not sleep.

Scenes of Ling Zetian surfaced in her mind.

In truth, she had only known Ling Zetian for half a year, and their interactions were few; they could hardly be called close. Yet for some reason, she felt a pang of sadness now.

She wanted to see him. But as soon as she remembered that today Qin Ruyan would enter the palace, she began to mock herself.

Tonight, they would consummate their marriage, wouldn’t they?

At this thought, a wave of despair suddenly welled up in her heart.

She knew she was somewhat fond of Ling Zetian, but he was the Emperor—she had no right to demand anything from him. And she was someone who valued purity; she liked a man whose body and heart were untainted. The moment Ling Zetian and Qin Ruyan were together, there could be nothing left for her. Her heart twisted with pain.

She froze for a moment, wondering what she really hoped for between herself and Ling Zetian.

All this time, she had thought of herself as Ling Zetian’s wife, and he had never denied it. So she truly believed they were husband and wife—was that it?

Something warm slid from the corners of her eyes, trickling down her cheeks.

She was crying.

She didn’t know why she was sad, why she wept, nor when she had come to care for Ling Zetian so much.

She liked him to the point that she wanted him for herself, unwilling to share him with anyone.

But he was never truly hers.

So she lay there, heartbroken and tearful, not knowing how much time passed before she finally drifted into sleep.

In her dreams, she and Ling Zetian were together, boating on a quiet lake with green mountains on both banks, ripples softly touching the surface, everything peaceful and beautiful.

When she awoke, Xiao Hui was standing by her bed, and steaming dishes had been set on the table.

“Miss, what happened to your eyes?” Xiao Hui couldn’t help but exclaim when she saw Feng Qiuji.

“It’s nothing.” She rubbed her eyes, realizing they were swollen. She forced a smile to reassure Xiao Hui. “What time is it now?”

“It’s already time for dinner, Miss. Please eat something.” Xiao Hui dared not tell Madam Qin about this; she understood that Feng Qiuji wanted to be alone right now, so it was best not to disturb her. “I’ll step out. If you need anything, just call.”

Feng Qiuji sat up, turning her head to see the bronze mirror on the table not far off.

In the mirror, a haggard face looked back at her—disheveled hair, puffy eyes, and a lifeless expression. She was startled; how had she become so desolate in just one day?

She got out of bed, dressed, combed her hair, and had Xiao Hui bring her water to wash her face.

Once she had tidied herself, her complexion looked somewhat better.

“Xiao Hui, I want to walk alone for a while. You stay here in the room.”

“Yes.” Xiao Hui looked at Feng Qiuji with concern, not knowing what else to do.

The sky was heavy; lanterns had already been hung throughout the Prime Minister’s residence, their faint flames flickering in the deepening night.

This was not her home either.

So where was her home?

For the first time, Feng Qiuji pondered: how could she return?

She did not truly belong here. By nature, she was easygoing and adaptable; until now, she had never thought of going back, always believing she should make the best of where she was. Only now did she realize she couldn’t continue this way—she must find a way back.

But how?

Thinking carefully, she had crossed over while sleeping, bringing nothing with her. The sky hadn’t split, nor had she fallen from above. She had awoken as Feng Qiuji—so what was she supposed to do?

Night had fully fallen, the air oppressive, and the crispness of autumn was gone.

Ah, life is truly bitter.

Feng Qiuji wandered the residence, realizing she no longer wished to confine herself to the Prime Minister’s household. She wanted to walk the streets.

But how could she do so?

If she told her parents, her father would never allow it. In this era, noblewomen lived secluded lives. Even though she was a deposed empress, she was still a lady of rank.

Never mind, she thought; she would climb the wall and sneak out.

But even climbing required some reconnaissance—she had to make sure she wouldn’t be spotted, that no one was guarding the spot, that she wouldn’t be discovered.

After circling for some time, she didn’t even find a doghole. The Prime Minister’s residence was so well-secured that not even a doghole was left for her; it seemed she truly had no option but to climb the wall.

So be it, she resigned herself.

“Feng Qiuji, what are you doing?” Just as she climbed onto the wall, a voice startled her, nearly causing her to fall.

She managed to twist around; it was her annoying second sister, Feng Yun’er.

Feng Yun’er walked up, arms crossed, and looked at her with disdain. “To think the grand Empress would climb walls. No wonder the Emperor doesn’t like you—who could fancy a shrew?”

“Second Sister, must you always be so cutting?” Feng Qiuji rolled her eyes. “Do you know what a gossip is? It’s someone like you—always chattering and criticizing others. You call me a shrew, but how are you any better?”

“You—you dare talk back!” Feng Yun’er was furious at her words. She strode forward, grabbing at Feng Qiuji’s clothes to yank her down. “You’ll explain yourself today—who’s the real gossip here?!”

“Stop that!” Feng Qiuji was crouched precariously atop the narrow wall; with her sister’s tugging, she wobbled and nearly fell.

“You wretched girl! Just because you were Empress for a few days, you’ve forgotten who you are? Come down here!”

A shrill scream pierced the night sky above the Prime Minister’s residence—indeed, it came from both Feng Qiuji and Feng Yun’er.

Feng Qiuji, though she fell from the wall, was unhurt. But Feng Yun’er, with Feng Qiuji landing on her, was nearly flattened.

Rubbing her waist, Feng Qiuji got up and helped her sister. “I told you not to pull me. Look what you’ve done! If I’d crushed you to death, how would I answer to your mother?”

Karma, she thought. Feng Qiuji believed in retribution more than ever now. Seeing Feng Yun’er in such a sorry state, she felt a flicker of satisfaction.

“You—you…” Feng Yun’er massaged her poor legs, glaring daggers at Feng Qiuji.

“Oh, stop with the dramatics and go about your business.” Being caught climbing the wall by Feng Yun’er was just her bad luck. She’d almost made it over—now she’d have to try again.

“What, you want to get rid of me so you can sneak out?” Feng Yun’er raised an elegant brow, her tone mocking.

“Second Sister, can’t you just mind your own business? Do you have to watch my every move? Even Mother doesn’t meddle so much.” Feng Qiuji was exasperated; having such a sister was a real nuisance—even leaving the house required surveillance.

“Hmph, I just don’t want you to disgrace the Prime Minister’s household. With your temperament, who knows what you might do.”

“Fine, if I do anything shameful, I’ll say I’m from the General’s household instead.”

Seeing Feng Qiuji wave her off impatiently, Feng Yun’er snorted and left, holding her head high. Feng Qiuji looked at the wall and sighed, then resumed her endeavor.

Finally, she made it over. The sky was darker now, and the streets were alive with festivity. It was the Emperor’s wedding night; the city was ablaze with lanterns and crimson decorations, red lanterns stretching endlessly down the street, illuminating the entire avenue.

Feng Qiuji walked slowly, her pain deepening with every step.

Yes, pain—she herself did not know when she had fallen for Ling Zetian.

Seeing the revelry in the teahouses and taverns, she suddenly turned and entered a nearby tavern. Tonight, she wanted to get drunk.

Li Taibai once wrote: “Draw the sword to sever the water, yet the water flows on; raise a cup to dispel sorrow, and sorrow only deepens.” Yet she still wanted to drink herself into oblivion—drunk, she could forget everything, care for nothing. She truly wished she could sleep and never wake.

“Waiter, bring me your strongest liquor.” Following the waiter upstairs, she chose a seat by the railing.

Below, vendors called out their wares; above, guests laughed and chatted. The world seemed shrouded in a cheerful haze, while only Feng Qiuji leaned against the railing, gazing blankly at it all.

Suddenly, a feather-light white petal drifted down onto her face, instantly melting into a cold droplet that seeped into her skin, chilling her to the bone.

“It’s snowing!” someone shouted in the street, and the crowd erupted in cheers. The festive atmosphere, with its lanterns and joy, seemed to lend the untouched white snow a gentle warmth.

Love is both pain and joy. On this Valentine’s Day and Lantern Festival, may everyone find happiness, and may lovers be joined in the end.